Today marks the 20th anniversary of my first Red Bull. I remember the night so clearly… smoking bidi’s while listening to Xanakis with my friend Brett, he hands me a red, blue and silver aluminum tube, looking me right in the eyes: “Careful. This is the real deal.”
I also remember all the hype about Red Bull back then, and all the stories about kids chugging TWO IN A ROW, then fucking dropping dead from heart attacks. Does the fact that they now sell gigantic cans of the stuff yet kids aren’t going into cardiac arrest mean that they’ve made Red Bull less potent? No way. I believe that Red Bull hasn’t gotten weaker over the years, but that our hearts have become stronger.
Red Bull is a real testament to the American heart!It doesn’t just give you wings, it gives you wings and then it gives you wings underneath those wings. Drink enough, and you will grow wing rows like teeth in a shark.
When people ask me, “How are you so great?”, I just inappropriately hold their hand against my chest so they can feel my hummingbird heart rate, and then I urinate, showing them my powerful, crystal blue stream, like anti-freeze in both hue and chemical composition. “Red Bull did this to me”, I say. So thank you R.B. for 20 years of helping me push the limits of my humanness, and I am looking forward to 120 more.Red Bull, you truly are the wings beneath my other wings.